Loneliness

Yesterday, I woke up feeling lonely.

I remember being straight out of college, having only recently moved to San Francisco, and talking to my friend Gayle about loneliness. Gayle is twenty years older than me, has been around the block a few times, and I always appreciate hearing her words of wisdom.

"Ron, loneliness is just a part of life. Get used to it! Learn to feel comfortable with it, don't run away from it. Fix yourself a cup of tea."

Wise words.

After a morning of practicing aikido on campus yesterday, I had lunch with my practice buddies, and returned to my room on the mountain. I had plans with my friend Yilin in the evening, and I thought I would go to a cafe and have that cup of tea that Gayle told me about so many years ago. I also bought a book of Chinese stories (in Chinese!) and was looking forward to making my way through the first story.

I showered and shaved, and took a bus to Taipei 101. There's a new bookstore near there, the new Xin Yi branch of Eslite (誠品). Besides tea, there are a few other things which make me happy. Bookstores are one of them. I thought I would do a little browsing and then head to a cafe and read my book.

Eslite is humongous, bustling with Taiwanese people looking at books. I think Taiwanese people like bookstores as much as I do.

I finally find a cafe, order some wulong tea, and open my book. It is a beautiful, classic story by the famous Zhu Ziqing (朱自清）Helter Skelter (匆匆). It starts like this:

Though swallows may fly away, they come back again; though willows may drop their leaves, they bud again; though peach blossoms may scatter, they bloom again. Yet, clever one, tell me, once my days have passed, why do they never return?

燕子去了，有再來的時候；楊柳枯了，有再青的時候；桃花謝了，有再開的時候。但是，聰明的，你告訴我，我們的日子為什麼一去不复返呢？

I set about translating the words I don't know. I enjoy this time drinking tea and studying Chinese. In the midst of this, I have a major realization.

I realize that no matter what is happening in my life, I can find beauty in what exists right now. I know everyone has read this somewhere or another. I have heard this a lot, too. But there is some way that I "get it" there in the cafe.

I think about a Zen story I once heard:

The Zen master Hakuin was praised by his neighbors as one living a pure life.

A beautiful Japanese girl whose parents owned a food store lived near him. Suddenly, without any warning, her parents discovered she was with child. This made her parents angry. She would not confess who the man was, but after much harassment at last named Hakuin.

In great anger the parent went to the master. "Is that so?" was all he would say.

After the child was born it was brought to Hakuin. By this time he had lost his reputation, which did not trouble him, but he took very good care of the child. He obtained milk from his neighbours and everything else he needed.

A year later the girl-mother could stand it no longer. She told her parents the truth - the real father of the child was a young man who worked in the fishmarket.

The mother and father of the girl at once went to Hakuin to ask forgiveness, to apologize at length, and to get the child back.

Hakuin was willing. In yielding the child, all he said was: "Is that so?"

Can I be like old Hakuin? Whatever is happening, can I just relax and not take it personally?

This morning, I wake up feeling some of the same loneliness. We all have so much love inside of us and I sometimes believe that the feeling of loneliness comes from our waiting for a specific person to come along and accept our love and reflect it back to us. There's something wonderful about that.

On the bus this morning, I decide to not wait for anybody! I decide to feel all that love inside and give it freely to no one in particular. My heart is open, and the feeling of love expands. I am sitting on the 236 to Muzha and am beaming with a feeling of love.

A college student of about nineteen gets on the bus and smiles at me.

I remember a Rumi poem that once hung in my apartment on Shattuck Street in Berkeley:

Love's Horse Will Carry You Home

The whole world could be choked with thorns
A Lover's heart will stay a rose garden.
The wheel of heaven could wind to a halt
The world of Lovers will go on turning.
Even if every being grew sad, a Lover's soul
Will stay fresh, vibrant, light.
Are all the candles out? Hand them to a Lover -
A Lover shoots out a hundred thousand fires.
A lover may be solitary, but he is never alone.
For companion he always has the hidden Beloved.
The drunkenness of Lovers comes from the soul,
And Love's companion stays hidden in secret.
Love cannot be deceived by a hundred promises;
It knows how innumerable the ploys of seducers are.
Wherever you find a Lover on a bed of pain
You find the Beloved right by his bedside.
Mount the stallion of Love and do not fear the path -
Love's stallion knows the way exactly.
With one leap, Love's horse will carry you home
However black with obstacles the way may be.
The soul of a real Lover spurns all animal fodder,
Only in the wine of bliss can his soul find peace.
Through the Grace of Shams-ud-Din of Tabriz, you will possess
A heart at once drunk and supremely lucid.

Rumi (Translated by Andrew Harvey)

Surely, I'll forget all of this and remember it again.